If It Isn't a Hell Yes...

Why I'm learning to appreciate mutual enthusiasm

Photo by mehrab zahedbeigi on Unsplash

I do a lot of hiring in my day job, so friends often come to me for advice. One thing I always tell them is, "If it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no."

My friend, who has been having difficulty filling a role on her team, did not appreciate this advice.

But I stand by it. Because enthusiasm matters.

Then it occurred to me that I don't always follow my own advice: I actually spend a lot of time trying to convince people.

I convince people to go on vacations with me.

I convince people to go out for a drink even though they already went out earlier that week.

I convince people to go to the concert even though parking is going to be a pain in the ass.

I convince my coworkers that a change is worth the disruption.

I convince my husband of a lot of things... mostly trips I want to take that he’s... less enthusiastic about.

I spend a lot of time perfecting my pitch, coming up with all the reasons why this particular thing is a great idea.

And I’m fairly persuasive. More often than not, I get people to say yes.

But I’m not actually after yes.

I’m after enthusiasm.

Let’s be honest. I don’t really do casual. I get very excited about the things I’m interested in. One might even say I have zero chill.

And when I’m excited about something, my first instinct is to get everyone else excited too.

I genuinely love introducing people to things I love:

Restaurants.

Travel destinations.

Books.

Music.

Ideas.

If I think you'll enjoy something, I want you there with me. And ideally, I want you to be just as excited about it as I am.

But no matter how persuasive I can be, I can’t manufacture enthusiasm.

I wonder how much time I’ve spent trying to talk people into things they were never that excited about in the first place.

What if all that energy could have gone toward the people who were already excited to be there?

There’s just something different about enthusiasm that comes right out of the gate.

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who say, “Hell yes.” And who make it easy for me to say it back.

My friend Caroline absolutely does not like hard rock music. But when I asked her to come with me to see Filter the night before my birthday, she said yes without even looking up the band on Spotify.

When my friend Cori texted and invited Liz and me over for an impromptu BBQ, we both said yes almost immediately. Getting to spend time with friends without planning it days—or even weeks—in advance is a luxury I need more of in my life.

Sometimes the "hell yes" is mutual. My friend Kathleen and I realized we'd both secretly wanted to co-host a podcast, so we decided to just make one. (Check out the first episode if you haven’t already!)

These are just a few examples from the last few weeks, but they’ve helped me notice a pattern.

None of these stories began with convincing.

They began with someone (not always me) saying, “Hey, do you want to...”

And someone else answering, “Absolutely.”

I’m beginning to really appreciate mutual enthusiasm.

That’s not to say that “maybe” is inherently bad. We’re all busy. We all have competing priorities. Life, especially in midlife, is full.

“Maybe” isn’t rude. It’s not rejection. It’s just a different kind of energy.

And maybe I’ve gotten old enough to stop trying to change it.

There will always be times when I need to persuade people. It’s part of my job and, honestly, part of my personality.

But outside of work, I’m finding myself drawn to something different.

The people who match my enthusiasm.

The people who hear, “Want to...” and are already reaching for their calendars.

I’ve learned that some of the best parts of my life don’t begin with convincing.

They begin with mutual enthusiasm.