You know that meme that occasionally makes the rounds on social media? The one that starts, “I didn’t know that was the last time that…”
Well, a few weeks ago, my older daughter, who is 11 going on 18, preempted the meme and declared: “Last year was the last family Halloween costume.”
You see, my family of four has done family Halloween costumes almost every year for the last 11 years. We’ve been the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus, a collection of unicorns (my husband in an inflatable knight-riding-a-unicorn costume was the clear winner that year), the family from Bluey… and last year we were characters from K-Pop Demon Hunters—the three members of Huntrix and their manager.
But this year, my oldest daughter was opting out in a very public way. She had gone from a small elementary school to a much larger middle school and made lots of new friends. And my daughter, ever the ringleader, was coordinating a group Halloween costume with these new friends.
She still liked the idea of a group Halloween costume. She just wanted to be in a different group.
Was I a tiny bit disappointed? Yes.
But I knew this day was coming. It’s been telegraphed for years. Both of my daughters have always been independent, especially my older daughter. While we’re all very close, if her friends are around, she’s almost always going to prefer to sit with or hang out with them.
When we went on a cruise last spring, she met a group of girls at the tween club and spent so much time with them that we barely saw her except for dinner (which we insisted she join us for). If you saw our family photos from that trip, you’d have thought she didn’t come. Our youngest looks like an only child.
Right now, our family unit is four. But it’s not going to be four forever. In only seven years, I’ll have just one child living at home. Four years after that, they’ll likely both be out of the house, and my husband and I will be a party of two once more.
When you have kids, it’s easy to think of your family as this permanent thing. First there were two of us. Then there were three. Then there were four. And for the last seven years, four has just been us.
Four plane tickets. Four seats at a restaurant. Four stockings at Christmas. Four people crammed into a hotel room. Four Halloween costumes built around whatever ridiculous theme we’d agreed on that year.
But of course, four isn’t permanent.
I know that. I’ve always known that. The entire goal of raising kids is to eventually send them out into the world as independent adults.
Which means all of this independence I’m seeing now? It’s a good thing. Even when it means she doesn’t want to wear the family Halloween costume anymore.
I want my daughters to have friends they adore and places they want to go and experiences that have absolutely nothing to do with me.
But apparently you can want all of that and still be a little caught off guard when one of them casually announces she’s done with a family tradition.
Because it wasn’t really about the Halloween costume. It was about one more thing she’d always done with us that she was now ready to do with someone else.
And that’s okay. I’m not going to guilt her into one more year or attempt to convince an 11-year-old that dressing in a coordinated costume with her parents and little sister is actually extremely cool.
We had a good run.
Besides, we’re not actually done with family Halloween costumes yet.
While my older daughter has opted out, my younger daughter is all in.
So this year, we leaned into her interests while still making it fun for us. She’s seven and currently obsessed with the Descendants movies on Disney+. The latest one has a character named Pink, the daughter of the Queen of Hearts. So she’s Pink, I’m the Queen of Hearts, and my husband is the Mad Hatter.
Someday, my younger daughter will probably inform me that the previous Halloween was her last family Halloween costume, too.
And that will be okay.
Because I have some killer ideas for couples costumes.
P.S. I clearly have a lot of opinions about Halloween costumes. So I’m going Live Monday night at 8 PM ET to talk costumes—past favorites, this year’s plans, and whatever Halloween ridiculousness comes up. Bring me your costume questions and dilemmas. I have opinions. 🎃
UPDATE: The Live happened! If you'd like to hear me spend 30+ minutes talking about costumes, wigs, DIY Bluey, and the time Joe and I accidentally walked into a quinceañera dressed as vampires, you can watch the replay here.
My eldest daughter just turned 5... and I feel like I already have empty-nest syndrome! It seems like such a milestone... like she's not little anymore at all.
When she decides to move out, I'm going to have a real hard time!
But, I guess practice what I preach - in Circle of Security terms, that means letting her explore the world, while being the secure base that she can return to whenever she needs it. <3
I’m not crying your crying! 😭😭😭