Saying No

The fine art of not doing things you don’t want to do

For as often as I say yes, I also have a reputation for saying no. But not in a mean, bossy way (most of the time anyway). I mean in the way that makes other women jealous and think, “I wish I could say no, too.”

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you that you can.

The kind of “nos” I’m good at generally fall into two categories: things you don’t want to do and things you might want to do, but just don’t have the time for right now.

Before we get into those categories, make sure that the “no” you want to say is actually a “no,” not a secret “yes,” but you don’t think you should. (Read my last post on saying yes more.)

Things you don’t want to do

Obviously, life is full of things we don’t want to do, but have to do. I’m fairly certain no one who needs a root canal actually wants one.

I’m talking about the things that aren’t actually non-negotiable. All of my examples here are very, very negotiable. Maybe you’ve been asked to join an activity you don’t enjoy. Or to donate to a cause that you don’t want to support. Or to purchase a timeshare even after sitting through the presentation. (You know who you are…)

Sometimes the answer can be an easy no. In the timeshare example, remember to stand your ground. Even the best salesman can’t actually make you spend your money. It’s your money and you control where it goes (minus the whole government taking money through taxes, but that’s a topic for a different post, maybe a different Substack!). Will you disappoint the salesperson? Maybe. But is that your problem? No. And you’ll just be one of many people who say no that day.

Don’t worry, the salesman won’t make a voodoo doll of you just because you said no… or maybe they will and that explains that random back pain…

It can be harder to say no to someone you know, especially if it’s someone you care about. You’ll probably never see that timeshare salesperson again, but your best friend who keeps asking you to go to Orange Theory classes with her when you would rather eat slugs? You can’t ignore her forever. Take a step back and think about what the request is really about and offer an alternative. If sweating through a workout with your bestie isn’t how you want to spend time with her, suggest an activity that you would both enjoy.

I feel this way about certain asks to volunteer, especially with my daughters’ school. There are certain volunteer positions that I just don’t want to do. Some people really love kids. I do not. I love my girls and I like some of their friends. But being surrounded by large groups of children is my version of hell.

And instead of feeling guilty that I don’t enjoy it, I say no when asked. And I figure out how I can volunteer or support the school in ways that don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out. And I don’t feel bad about it.

Things you want to do but don’t have time for

We’re all busy. We have to make tradeoffs. And we have to stop killing ourselves to do it all.

Now, I tend to be overly ambitious when it comes to what I think I can accomplish. I tend to sign my family up for activities that have us going in impossible directions (again: I like to say yes!). But even I know when we need to throw in the towel.

Sometimes we get asked to do something and we just can’t do it right now. And it’s okay to say no. What if instead of saying no, you said, “I can’t commit to that right now, but here’s what I can do.” Or “I can’t do that this week, but sign me up next time.”

Now, this is only for things you would want to say yes to, it’s just not the right time. Don’t say “maybe later,” if you really mean, “never.”

Be kind to your future self: don’t commit to things later that you wouldn’t do today.

But at the end of the day, it’s okay to say no without feeling guilty. Let’s all give each other grace for saying no, and even celebrating it! Turns out, boundaries look really good on all of us!

What have you said no to recently?

Love,

Amanda

Zero F’s Favorites

My favorite time management book ever is I Know How She Does It, by Laura Vanderkam. It’s geared toward busy women, particularly moms with demanding careers. And the lesson that has stayed with me since I first read it (and it was published in 2015!) was that we all make time for what matters. And when life throws us a curveball, we figure it out, because we have no choice. But every decision we make about how we spend our time is in fact, a decision we make. So you can decide to say yes, or say no!

Laura also co-hosts a great podcast with Sarah Hart-Unger called Best of Both Worlds, about balancing work and family. Add it to your queue!